CIVILITY and good breeding are necessary to success in life, and the person possessing these virtues is always welcome in all society.

Good breeding, like charity, not only covers a multitude of faults, but to a certain degree supplies the want of some virtues.  In everyday life it acts good nature, and often does what good nature will not always do; it keeps both wits and fools within the bounds of decency, which the former are too apt to transgress, and which the latter never know.

Good breeding implies politeness; but the latter does not imply the former, as good breeding has its weight and value, which politeness adorns and doubles by its workmanship.

What beauty is to the person, that decorum or politeness is to the intercourse of social life.  And just as a beautiful form and face add attractiveness and convey pleasure to the home circle, or to the social gathering, so elegant manners adorn and make agreeable the whole round of human companionship, whether existing in business, social, or religious life.  Generally amiability, as has been well said, will oil the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any unguents which can be supplied by mere wealth or station.

Chesterfield¹ says: “As learning, honor and virtue are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversation and common life.  Great talents, such as honor, virtue, learning and arts, are above the generality of the world, who neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others.  But all peoples are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affability and an obliging, agreeable address and manner, because they feel the good effects of them as making society easy and pleasing.”

Bashfulness produces restraint, robs one of a graceful mien, and should be carefully corrected.  It usually results from a feeling that one is not adapted to the company he is in, either from ignorance of conventional forms, from dress, or from general inexperience in society.  He who is respectably and neatly dressed need feel no embarrassment because of his attire.  If a stranger he should observe the ways of the most respected present and conform to the without an attempt at exact imitation.  One will see the unreasonableness of his diffidence and consequent uneasiness when he remembers, or learns that those who are so well–bred as to see his lack of ease are to refined not to appreciate and disregard it, and are the last to pass criticism.  The fault can never be amended by a desperate resort to over–confidence; this only adds effrontery to ungracefulness.

As a beautiful picture displays the art of the painter, and inspiring music that of the musician, so deportment is the art of the lady or gentleman.  Good nature is often vulgar, blunt and offensive; good breeding refines, tones and finishes manner.  Deportment, therefore, belongs to culture.  Human nature is inclined to grovel; gentility of deportment elevates it.  To act naturally is commendable, if nature be toned by culture; to act naturally without refinement is to act the boor. To be a true lady or gentleman, therefore, is to curb and mold our natural impulses, encourage our better promptings, associate only with the pure and refined, accustom ourselves to doing everything decently, orderly and elegantly at all times, regarding the feelings of others, respecting ourselves, and allowing nothing to disturb a courteous, dignified behavior.  Etiquette is simply decorum or manners systematized and adapted to the various phases of social intercourse, recognized and established by fashionable usage.

How to please, then, embodies much.  We cannot ignore regulations imposed by polite society and still expect to please, for polite society rules the world.

First, then, we must question ourselves concerning our natural instincts: Are they coarse, selfish, overbearing, unforgiving, dishonest? Have we bad tempers? Are we suspicious and fault–finding? Are we inclined to make ourselves miserable as well as those we meet? It should be our first effort to subdue such qualities, for any exhibition of them is fatal to harmony.

Almost the first requisite to a lady is good common sense.  While this admits of piquancy, naïveté, and all the charming femininities, as well as dignity, it is also a host arrayed in her favor.  Affability, a sweet temper under all circumstances, a manner mild, yet firm, a sensitive and delicate temperament, yet without too evident self–consciousness and prudishness of disposition, are admirable qualities.  One can not please without being truly polite, and to this end amiability and good nature are necessary.

True politeness comes from knowledge of ourselves and respect for others, and constitutes propriety of deportment coupled with good nature and a desire to please.  Neither rank, beauty, wealth, talents nor position can dispense with it.  It enters into every feature of social intercourse, and it is here one is measured, weighed and stamped.  It is here that true culture will assert itself. 

Life is not so short but there is always time enough for courtesy.  Self–command is the main elegance.  “Keep cool and you command everybody,” said St. Just².

One’s opinion may be stated without apology; the attitude is the main point, self–control is the rule.

One should show proper respect for the opinions of others, be firm, yet modest, in the assertion of his own, always display that self–consciousness which one should feel, that he is as good as others, and demands equal respect.  If he does not respect himself, others will not respect him.  Very many are afflicted with over–sensitiveness, a feeling of inferiority, which is liable, if not overcome, to render one ridiculous at times.  More offensive are they who seek to convey the impression that they “know it all.” This betrays ignorance, conceit and immodesty.  Vulgarity in action or expression is never excusable.  Rude conduct, awkward motions and positions, indicate either a lack of respect for others, or that one’s associations are low.

A due regard should be paid to all the little courtesies and elegances.  In associations with the opposite sex these should never be neglected.  Promptness and due haste are proper, but hurry and bluster tend to confusion and irritation, and things thus done were better not attempted.

Manners are stronger than laws; they are the sign by which one’s status is fixed; they are ever open to criticism, and always determine his caste.  Care should be taken that the first impressions be favorable.  In the drawing room, at table, at the party or ball, on the street, everywhere, it should be remembered that we are to be respected as ladies or gentlemen, and that as such we respect others, and trust them accordingly.

Dress.

The proper care and adornment of the person is a social as well as an individual duty.  First impressions are apt to be permanent; it is, therefore, of importance that they should be favorable.  What style is to our thoughts dress is to our persons; it may supply the place of more solid qualities, and without it the most solid are without avail.  Many have owed their elevation to their attention to their toilet.  Place, fortune, marriage, have all been lost by it.

The dress should always be consistent with one’s age and natural exterior.  The most genteelly dressed are they who dress the plainest, and they will never be dressed unfashionably.

Next to plainness in every well–dressed lady is neatness of dress and taste in the selection of colors.  A lavish expenditure to supply adornment is useless, without adaptation, without a harmonious blending of colors, without the exercise of discrimination and good taste.

The dress should always be adapted to the occasion.  For a morning dress a loosely made one, high in the neck, with sleeves fastened at the wrist with a band, and belt.  For a walking dress, the skirt should be allowed only just to touch the ground.  An evening dress means full dress in the common acceptation of the term.  It will serve for dinner, opera, evening party, everything but the ball.  Ball dresses are special.  With regard to evening dress and ball dress no explicit directions can be given.  The fashion declares what is to be worn, still individual taste should be exercised; grace or elegance should not be sacrificed.

THE ART OF CONVERSATION.

To converse well is an art upon which success in society and at home largely depends, and excellence can only be attained by careful observation and study.  Associate with those who can talk discreetly and with ease, and try to improve on their methods.  Merely copying the style of another is a servile imitation that should be avoided.  Polite society has its well understood etiquette to govern conversation, but one rule which overlies the whole matter is the necessity that the converser should be well informed on the subjects concerning which he or she may wish to speak, otherwise the fullest acquaintance with forms and methods will only emphasize the ignorance of the unhappy talker.  The possession of knowledge is absolutely essential to the capacity for making conversation a pleasure.

Your knowledge must be used modestly, or, however profound, it may make you a bore, instead of causing you to be appreciated as a valuable accession in friendly circles.  Conversation should be made general, and to that end no person should unduly occupy time and attention.  One of the most finished talkers that ever figured in London society abused the privilege accorded him, and was advised by his best friend to “Indulge in a brilliant flash of silence.”

In English society, when persons of high rank are present, as for instance princes of the royal blood, conversation is limited to topics introduced by the prince; but in this country no such limitations are permitted.  Gentlemen, or ladies, who can construct their sentences grammatically and gracefully, and who are endowed with the rare faculty of being able to listen, as well as talk, are welcomed in all ranks.  Precedence is always accorded to those who converse charmingly.

Tact is necessary in bringing company together, to avoid introducing disagreeable persons, and then it devolves upon the guests to eschew debatable matter, or reference to events known to be personally unpleasant; yet the current of conversation must flow without any appearance of constraint.

Successful conversers direct their attention to drawing from their surroundings the information they are best qualified to supply.  A mother is seldom better pleased than when recounting the good qualities of her children, and the scientist, leader or author, will always show at his best when expatiating on the subject on which he is best informed; hence, his gratification and the gain to his auditors may most certainly reach their maximum under the system indicated.

Loud and dictatorial tones should be avoided in conversation, because they mar the harmony of the gathering, and render the persons using them repugnant.  The danger of such unpleasant tones being used by ladies is very slight, and the progress of civilization can usually be estimated by considering the key in which gentlemen exchange their ideas.  The voice can be made perfectly clear and resonant enough for social purposes, without boisterousness or loud talk.

Loud laughter cannot always be avoided, as there are provocations to merriment that some natures find irresistible; but whenever it is possible to subdue the tendency, good breeding demands moderation in this particular.  Goldsmith ³ was right in his famous line, “And the loud laugh that spoke the vacant mind.”

Cultivation may, and does, habitually check manifestations of temper and disposition which are not agreeable to others, but, in spite of such influences, the nature of the man will appear in his conversation.  The vain or boastful man cannot always curb his inclination and affect modest, although he may play such a part for a brief season.  Nervous, irritable and impatient dispositions fret at every obstacle, and ignorance is customarily loud mouthed to proclaim its own folly; but with all the difficulties that beset the path of reform, it is best in every sense to struggle against self–assertion, and thus make ourselves more amiable members of society.

When a friend joins your circle in the midst of a conversation, you should put him at his ease, at the earliest opportunity, by briefly summarizing the case, so that he may, if he wishes, take part in the colloquy with customary intelligence.  This is, of course, the more immediate duty of the host, but in all large gatherings there are so many coteries, in some of which the functions of the chief entertainer must devolve upon his best friends.  Conversation, well carried on, is too rich a feast for any person worthy to be received in the sacred circle of home, to be excluded from participation in its charm; and unless explanations are offered to the new comer [sic], he is shut out from the interchange of thoughts and expressions, until a change of topic enables him to enter the arena on equal terms with those around him.

There are some few simple rules which are observed by well–bred people everywhere, and which may seem too well understood to require recapitulation; but a book of this class is meant to benefit the mass who are not posted in matters of etiquette, as well as to challenge the approval of the few who know what such a work should contain; consequently we shall have no hesitation in enumerating in brief the axioms that should govern the formula of conversation, the rules dictated by politeness and common sense.

• Avoid slang and cultivate propriety of expression always.  In speech as in dress eschew eccentricities and vulgarity.
• When another person is speaking, listen respectfully.
• Argument is misplaced in conversation, and might with advantage be confined to law courts and legislatures.
• Personal peculiarities are dangerous topics for general conversation, and will never be ventured upon in society.
• The weather is a valuable stock subject for those who lack imagination, or intellectual powers.
• Whispering or sitting very near to one of the guests, as though you had something confidential to say, betokens ill–breeding.  If you must speak to one person only, and at once, retire for a little while.
• Talking to one person, or to a few, in a language not understood by the company, is in bad taste, unless the persons addressed are foreigners; in that case the company should understand the general drift of the conversation.
• There are many colloquialisms that should be avoided entirely, as, for instance, “I says,” instead of “I said,” or still worse, “I says, says I,” a sense repetition of a common mistake.  Other blunders might be cited in great number, but it will be sufficient to mention one example: a person should not be mentioned as a ?party? in conversation; all variations of that custom are to be avoided.
• When you refer to any person present, or absent, give the name of the lady or gentleman, and avoid the inelegant and indefinite repetition of “he” or “she.”
• Violent gesticulation is objectionable, but graceful movement lends animation to discourse.
• Never use a foreign tongue in familiar discourse, unless all the company can speak the language, because the purpose of speech is to convey ideas, and the use of an unknown tongue defeats that object.
• Theological, religious, political, and debatable questions, should be shunned when the company exceeds two or three.
• Egotism can never be displayed without alienating friends, or lessening their esteem.
• Words and phrases having double meanings must not be used, and puns should only be indulged in among intimate friends, as persons who do not see and enjoy the point of the witticism are apt to misunderstand the resultant hilarity of the few, unless absurd explanations are volunteered.
• Quotations, unless brief, apposite and rare, should be avoided; they are suggestive of pedantic affectation.
• Satire is an admirable weapon against dullness and impertinence, but it belongs to courts and rostrums, and should seldom be resorted to in familiar intercourse.
• In conversation at the table content yourself with very short sentences, and do not speak while eating, as you cannot in that case appear to advantage.
• Never use flattery in conversation, as it is certain to offend all ears but those of the persons specially addressed, and should be distasteful there also.
• When you approve anything said or done, a smile, or a few words of moderate commendation, will mark your concurrence better than loud expressions.
• When errors are committed by persons with whom you are conversing, do not correct their facts, pronunciation, or grammar, in the presence of others, nor even when alone, unless you are on such terms as to warrant a great freedom.  Friends are too few and precious to be risked and alienated in an over–officious desire to play tutor.
• Conspicuous inattention is an insult to the speaker, and, therefore, you should not ask the repetition of a sentence, unless your hearing is defective, or you have some other good excuse.
• Appear unconstrained and perfectly at ease while speaking or listening; some persons offend good taste by lolling, humming, whistling, and arranging portions of their toilet while engaged in conversation.  As soon as you cease to take an interest in the company and their topics, it is time to retire without remark.
• Neighborhood chit–chat and scandal are unworthy of attention, and the realms of literature, science, art and discovery offer topics innumerable for conversation.
• When any of the company appear at a loss for words in which to express themselves, do not too officiously supply what is wanted; the person who hesitates will soon recall the missing phrase, and you have no right to assume that you know what is meant better than your friend.  A little patience is all that is wanted to enable him to come out all right.
• If you attempt to describe an amusing event, or to narrate a joke, be careful to avoid laughing before the success of your recital with others affords you justification for merriment, and in any case avoid loud laughter, or prolonged cachinnation, as either excess bespeaks poverty of intellect and imagination, a reputation to be avoided.
• Mimicry is the business of the comedian and cannot be resorted to in the drawing room without great risk on the part of the person who hazards that dangerous accomplishment.
• Never mention your business pursuits, or successes, in familiar conversation, nor question others on such matters, as talk of that kind tends almost immediately toward egotistical display, and may result in painful estrangements.  Conversation is sought and intended as a relief from daily conflict, and on that account should not bear on the common interests of business affairs.
• It is in bad taste to disparage the religion, nationality, beliefs, or customs of others in conversation; silence is better than the introduction of topics that must be disagreeable.
• Never hesitate to defend your own country and customs should others attack them, but you can do that without anger or undue warmth, having institutions so admirable to vindicate.
• Practical jokes are unworthy of manhood and should not be tolerated.  Any line of conduct intended to throw ridicule upon another is reprehensible, and should be avoided.
• Never tender your advice unasked, but if your opinion is solicited, and you are conversant with the subject, give the results of your judgement in good faith, merely as your opinion.
• Invective is permissible in oratory and debate, as sauce is allowable in cookery, when the seasoning is not overdone; but invective becomes personal abuse in conversation, and is an unmixed evil.
• Exaggeration in conversation has cost many persons their reputation for truthfulness, when their only desire was to convey to others a commensurate idea of the impressions they had formed.  There is only one way to avoid the evil practice, and that is by excluding the imagination from simple narrations of fact.
• Some persons introduce scriptural phrases into their daily conversation, and thus belittle Holy Writ, although they have no wish to indulge in cant, but merely draw their illustrations and phrases from the only book with which they have thorough acquaintance.  Wider and fuller intimacy with general literature will correct their taste, which must be endured meantime.
• When conversing with any person, whether titled or otherwise, the name or title need not be repeated after the conversation is fairly launched, as sir or madam will serve all purposes, unless the person is a reigning prince, in which case “Sire,” or “Your Majesty,” will be in order, but if the sovereign is traveling incognito, the forms of royalty are not observed.  A duke does not expect to be always addressed as “Your Grace.”
• Mannerisms and pet phrases should be avoided, and continued references to experiences “During the War,” or “While I was down South,” or “When we were in Europe.” These sentences suggest affectation.
• Wit is a blessing, the possessor of which is generally wise enough to use in self–defense only.  When it is commonly applied as a means of attack, the wit becomes an object of dread in all circles.  If you have talent for repartee and rejoinder, you will soon discover that the chief merit of the endowment, in the eyes of those less favored, lies in the rarity of its use.

¹ Philip Dormer Stanhope, Fourth Earl of Chesterfield, 1694-1773, English politician, now chiefly remembered for his Letters to His Son.  See e.g. http://www.english.upenn.edu/~jlynch/Frank/People/chester.html or http://www.cse.bris.ac.uk/~cckhrb/chester.htm.

² Louis de Saint–Just (1767-1794), a principal figure in the French Revolution (see e.g. http://www.garnetsigma.com/saint-just/) and close associate of Robespierre.  Christopher Hibbert wrote this of him: “Saint-Just, Robespierre's pale, handsome, cold–blooded disciple, the 'Angel of Death'—upon whose lucid brain and incisive pen his master had come to depend in times like these—produced a document denouncing Danton which he intended to read out in the Convention the next morning.  It was objected that this was too risky a procedure... whereupon Saint–Just, displaying some emotion for once, petulantly tossed his hat into the fire.”

³ Oliver Goldsmith (1728-1774), line 122 of the poem “The Deserted Village” (1770).  See, for example, http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/GolDese.html or http://caxton.stockton.edu/DesertedVillage/.