Note from David Sewell:

Last month, for the first time, legislation aimed at regulating junk email was proposed in the U.S. Congress. Rep. Chris Smith of New Jersey introduced HR 1748, the "Netizens Protection Act of 1997", which would ban unsolicited commercial email (UCE) by extending the existing law against junk faxes. Sen. Frank Murkowski of Alaska introduced S. 771 , the "Unsolicited Commercial Electronic Mail Choice Act of 1997", which would permit UCE so long as it is tagged as such¹. S. 771 would also require junk emailers to maintain "remove lists" of people who have requested not to receive mailings.

The complex legal and ethical issues raised by these two bills are of paramount importance to every American citizen. Unfortunately, it's just too blasted hot in southern Arizona in June for me to think about them, so I'm off to Baffin Island for a well-earned vacation, and meanwhile MetaAnswerman is going to handle some of the queries about junk email that concerned go2net readers have sent in.

Q. MetaAnswerman, what's all this hullaballoo about how evil junk email is? Doesn't everybody have a right to advertise?

A. Are you on the Net yet? No, I figured not. We're going to have to try a little analogy here.

Every day, the FidoPromo guy comes down your street trailing a pack of three-legged mongrels, hydrophobic yellow dogs, neurotic poodles with uncontrollable diarrhea, and Great Danes with five-day cases of constipation that always come unblocked just as they reach your petunias.

Pretend that your email account is your front yard, and that people deliver packages and letters to you by tossing them on the lawn, where you gather them up. Now imagine that there are lots of people in your town too lazy to walk their own dogs, so they hire dog-walking companies to do it for them. The biggest one of these is a company called Fido Promenade, FidoPromo for short. Every day, the FidoPromo guy comes down your street trailing a pack of three-legged mongrels, hydrophobic yellow dogs, neurotic poodles with uncontrollable diarrhea, and Great Danes with five-day cases of constipation that always come unblocked just as they reach your petunias. After FidoPromo and the rest of the dogwalkers are done, sometimes your lawn is so covered with dog poop that you can't even find your genuine mail.

Q. But isn't there a law against letting dogs poop on my property?

A. Nope, not in our analogy. There's just something called "streetiquette," which most of your neighbors have always followed, meaning that they curb their dogs and carry Pooper-Scoopers. But FidoPromo's owner says that streetiquette interferes with his right as an Honest American Businessman to make money walking dogs. Besides, he says, if you didn't want dogs pooping on your lawn, you shouldn't have built your house on a public street.

Q. Well, maybe he has a point. After all, I can keep the dogs out by building a really high wall around my front yard, can't I?

A. Nope. FidoPromo feels that's not playing fair, because if everyone did that, their dogs would have no place to poop. So their dog-walkers cleverly get through the wall by "bouncing off a relay", meaning they let the dogs poop on the sidewalk, then pick it up with a long-handled shovel and fling it over the wall into your yard. Since you can't see what direction it came from, you don't even know what dog to yell at! Pretty slick, eh?

What if dog-owners get around the law by raising DOZENS of puppies, so every day they let a new dog loose to go poop on your lawn, and you ask it to stop, and the dog agrees, but when it gets back home the owner KILLS it and the next day unleashes a different dog...

Q. And illegal, too, I'm sure!

A. Nope. Sorry. A couple of wealthy owners of apartment buildings in your neighborhood did file civil suit to keep FidoPromo from bouncing poop over their own walls, but the injunction doesn't apply to your little bungalow.

Q. OK, I've got a better idea. Suppose I plant little bitty land mines in my front yard, and when a mutt comes along and squats and starts to do his business, BOOM!! Bowser goes howling off without a fanny?

A. Cruelty to animals. Now that's illegal. FidoPromo will report you to the police, and call a news conference to show off the stitches in Bowser's poor tushie, and denounce you and all of your neighbors as terrorist² animal hackers and enemies of the Honest Businessman Just Trying to Make a Buck.

Q. Ooh, ooooh, that makes me mad! I guess maybe we do need a law! But MetaAnswerman, I'm real confused. I heard that Sen. Murkowski's law is bad because it's an "opt-out" law, and Rep. Smith's is good because it's "opt-in." Those terms make my head hurt! What do they mean?

A. Well, "opt-out" basically means that a dog gets to doodie on your lawn until you ask it not to. That's called "opting out," and the dog is supposed to remember to skip your lawn after that.

Q. Geez, I'll be spending all day doing nothing but asking dogs to stop pooping!

A. Oh, but FidoPromo and a bunch of the other dog-walking companies have done something really, really generous. They set up a big box downtown, and if you go there and drop your name and address in it, the dog-walkers say they'll all agree to "remove" you and leave your lawn alone.

Q. Yeah, okay... but... but... if everybody does that, pretty soon the dogs aren't going to have anyplace to poop again, and they'll be constipated and get real growly and mad, and their owners will hire dog-walkers who didn't sign the agreement, or maybe they'll walk their dogs themselves, or even just let them loose to run wild, making piles all over town! I don't think that remove-me box is going to work!

A. Yes, you're starting to get the idea...

Q. Or, or... oh geez, this is perverse... what if dog-owners get around the law by raising DOZENS of puppies, so every day they let a new dog loose to go poop on your lawn, and you ask it to stop, and the dog agrees, but when it gets back home the owner KILLS it and the next day unleashes a different dog, and IT goes and poops... oh geez! Your lawn's going to look worse than ever! I think this "opt-out" is a BAD IDEA!

A. You are not far from enlightenment, my friend.

Q. Hey, thanks. So anyway, what's "opt-in"?

A. "Opt-in" means that nobody is allowed to let their dog poop on your lawn unless you have specifically invited them to.

Q. But MetaAnswerman, who on earth would want a bunch of dog poops on their front lawn?

A. Oh, I don't know. Folks whose rose bushes need fertilizing. People whose favorite movie is "Pink Flamingos." Microsoft designers.

Q. Microsoft designers???

A. Apparently they mistake dog droppings for Easter eggs.

Q. Well, I'M not a pervert or a Microsoft employee, I don't LIKE crap! I'm going to write my Congresspeople RIGHT NOW and tell them to vote for Rep. Smith's law instead of that crazy opt-out nonsense!

A. Right on! And while you're at it, check out the Coalition Against Unsolicited Commercial Email home page for more information about the Congressional legislation and related campaigns.

Q. Aww, MetaAnswerman, was this whole column just a setup for that endorsement?

A. You have grown wise in the ways of frauds and cheats, my child. MetaAnswerman has nothing more to teach you.

Q. Wait. Is David Sewell really on Baffin Island?

A. Nope. Cheap motel with a broken A/C in Gila Bend.

Q. One more thing. Is it really true that this is the first piece about junk email ever published that didn't drag in the word "spam" at least once?

A. Yes. Moreover, all go2net writers are constant liars. Now, scurry off and write those letters!  

-- David Sewell <dsewell@go2net.com> is a writer and editor who lives somewhere in the vicinity of Ed Abbey's secret gravesite in Arizona.

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